Reasons for going to Confession!!!!! ...Enjoy
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that.
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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Entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said,
"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes
fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
__,_._,___
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to
leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that.
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said,
"Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a
glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes
fluttered open and he said, "You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
---------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
__,_._,___
[posted for blogger.com]
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